Doug Cole introduced fellow RCOB member, Tim Farris, mentioning his athletic prowess, community engagement, and the book he authored, The Wonder of It All: History and Future of Faith in a Time of Reason and Science.
Tim’s presentation focused on discord within contemporary society in the U.S. and how we speak with people with whom we disagree. He noted examples of the many issues upon which there is widespread disagreement and often polarization. Tim cited statistics regarding people’s practice and expectations surrounding conversations. For example, 75% of people don’t talk to people on another side of political issues. Obviously, this causes problems for relationships and society. Without conversation, how do we work toward agreement in areas where we need to make decisions? How do we learn from our different perspectives if we simply avoid them?
While we hear a lot about the current level of discord and distress, Tim argues this is nothing new, and that societies have been able to deal successfully with discord in the past, and make progress in the end (e.g., women’s rights, slavery, universal education, child labor). Every decade has had its challenges, in fact, living together itself creates challenges.
Thinking is a key to progress, but today we struggle with information and media polarization. Tim sees a role for educational systems here that have leaned too far toward teaching people what to think, rather than how to think.
Tim advocated a straightforward approach to thinking/problem solving:
Identify the problem
Gather data
Put forth a hypothesis
Use evidence to evaluate those hypotheses
We are also shying away from conversations with those who disagree with us. When was the last time we sat down to have a conversation with someone with whom we disagreed?
Tim thinks courtrooms are an example of good practices. Both parties are recognized and able to share their stories in their own words. Evidence is presented, and it must be relevant, reliable, not hearsay, not obviously biased, and incorporate opinions only when they are from experts.
Tim offered some recommendations to all of us who want to be better communicators and decision-makers.
1) Use data and think about its implications. This is hard and time-consuming.
2) Attend to how we talk about and to others. Tim noted that while he loves a good argument, he has never had anyone tell him after the argument that he was right, even after his best arguments and adept persuasive techniques. Others (and ourselves when the situation is reversed) simply are not likely to change their minds as the result of arguments.
3) Begin with ourselves. Attend to our own beliefs and practices, recognizing our beliefs can be more brittle than our bones. (Did he know which group he was speaking with? This is saying a lot.) In this context he recommended Adam Grant’s book, Think Again. We should try to think like a scientist, treating our beliefs as hunches not as facts, and resting our identities on our values, not our opinions. Embracing new information and relishing the opportunity to be wrong can also be good practices.
4) Develop relationships and really listen. Tim argued too often we are ‘listening to reply, not listening to understand.’ Good listening builds trust, reduces misunderstanding, eliminates conflict, and encourages empathy. While listening, we can ask for specifics, question, and admit ignorance, all of which can advance our understanding. Listening opens the door, increases safety, demonstrates a collaborative attitude, and is more fun than arguing.
5) Look for values on the other side of a conflict. People have many common values, we just need to look for them. There are good people on both sides.
6. Recognize that the issues are difficult.
Tim spoke of the ‘trolley’ problem from philosophy (should one pull the switch on a trolley rail to kill one person rather than not pulling the switch meaning the barreling trolley kills four people?). Most of our social issues are like this: We have some responsibility for a solution; There are no perfect alternatives, but rather tradeoffs and ambiguity (e.g., homeless, prison sentences).
7. Recognize the importance of compromise.
The Prisoners Dilemma matrix is an illustration of the value of compromise. There is a tendency to maximize self-interest in this game but if both parties compromise, both can achieve better results in the long run.
Tim thinks Rotary’s 4 Way Test is a good set of principles to apply to all decisions and achieve mutually beneficial results.
8. Recognize the importance of time.
Tim mentioned Stephen Pinker’s book, Enlightenment Now, which discusses how in so many ways humanity has made progress over time. Looking across centuries, people in the world are freer, happier, and wealthier. Tim encourages us to take the long view, and also to think about whether our own minds have changed over time. In what ways? How do we learn to be wise? How do wise people engage others?
